The Diaries of the Fellowship and More
by Anemone Frost
Summary: The long lost diaries of the Fellowship. Ch 11 is up!
1. Default Chapter

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Disclaimer: Characters used are the property of Tolkien.

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Author's note: Very OOC....

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Warnings: Language and implied themes.

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Frodo's Diary.

Day 1: Bag End

Hmm, Bilbo left...got inheritance....got a strange gold Ring....I'm set for life! Now I just have to keep those meddlesome cousins of mine away from it. It's all mine damn it! It says so in the deed! On another note I think Rosie has a crush on me. She wanted to dance with me and went on and on about how handsome I was. Why are people so obsessed with me? I finally pushed Sam at her just to get her to leave me alone. Ha ha ha! The look on Sam's face when she grabbed him was priceless!

Day 20: Bag End/Woods

Gandalf tells me my Ring is the one Ring and that I have to leave Bag End to head to Rivendell. Damn it. Just when I was getting all comfortable and getting Bilbo's elderly stink of this hole I have to get up and leave. Then, to make matters even better Gandalf found Sam hiding in the bushes and he orders him to follow me. Great, nothing like having a peeping tom/stalker to accompany me on a dangerous journey. Halfway into the woods Gandalf leaves us. I was quite happy seeing how he smells like he hasn't taken a bath in several months. Sam has been looking at me funny. I caught him stroking my hair when I was taking a nap. Why does everyone have to touch me?

Day 22: Crickhollow

Argh, I should have seen this one coming. Merry and Pippin have been spying on me along with Sam. Everyone has been calling me paranoid but I knew they were stalkers! This definitely proves it! Later, I took a bath. Felt very uncomfortable seeing Merry, Pippin, and Sam watching me. They actually wanted to use one tub instead of four, said it would be fun to take a group bath. Yeah right. Then, when I tried to get out the filthy buggers stole my towel and wouldn't give it back. I had to use the soapsuds to cover my shame and my ass. As I walked away they pointed and giggled. Wound up locking my door last night....they were planning something....I just know it....I'm not paranoid....

Day 23: Old Forest/Tom's house

Ha ha ha ha! This had to be the best day of my life!! I fell asleep by a stream and when I woke up my cousins were trapped inside a tree!! The tree was actually trying to swallow Merry and Pippin! Ha ha ha! I wanted to leave them in there but Sam insisted that we pry them out. Well, we tried for minutes but the tree would only take them in deeper. I thought it was a lost cause and insisted on leaving when this weird singing guy dressed in funky clothing popped out of no where. He got the tree to spit out Merry and Pippin. I felt very sad. Then, I met Tom's wife, Goldberry, and was very happy......then, I tasted her food and was very sad again. That woman may be hot but she can't cook for crap! I woofed it down nonetheless....besides what else am I to do, eh? I have to be a gracious guest and I have to eat at least six meals a day to keep my strength up. How does Tom put up with her cooking? It's only one day. I can survive. I had to share a room with Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Now I'm feeling very scared.

Day 24: Old Forest/Tom's house

Damn it!! It's raining out!! I have to spend another day in this stuffy house and eat shity food! You wouldn't believe what that woman made today!! She made an omelet and the egg wasn't cooked all the way! The damn thing was dripping all over the place! I have never tasted anything worse in my life! I would rather eat the mud outside! Merry and Pippin seemed to like it though but they're just odd. In fact, they've been pretty odd ever since birth. Tried to hand the Ring to Tom but he wouldn't take it. Damn. Had to spend another night with Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Can you imagine my joy? They were bumping and grinding me all night. In the morning they swore they were only dreaming. I think there's something going on here....

Day 25: Old Forest/Barrow Downs

Yes!! I finally get to leave this forsaken house today! As we left Goldberry came prancing out after us. I was actually worried for a second. I mean, there's no getting rid of these people! She waved and tossed us some food that I dumped into a nearby stream down the path. Ha ha ha! The fish came floating to the top. After hours of walking we finally came to this creepy area that Tom had warned us about. Now what did he say? Go around the Barrow Downs or go in the Barrow Downs? I'm sure he said go into....Got separated from the others in the fog. I felt quite at peace until this shape came looming over me. Passed out....typical me. Soon, I woke to find myself in a tomb feeling strangely satisfied....and sticky....I don't want to know...Merry, Pippin, and Sam were unconscious on the floor. An ugly hand came through reaching for Sam so I chopped it off. Felt kind of good to hurt something. Tom came along and killed the Barrow-wright and then led us out of the forest. A fowl smell was in the wind....we must be close to Bree.

Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony

Well, we arrived at the inn today and guess what: Gandalf isn't here!! Damn that old man and his dementia! Probably forgot that he was supposed to meet us here! Grr! On a side note there's was this strange man, known as Strider, in the corner staring at me. I felt strangely attracted to him....but lost it when I noticed his greasy hair and overall filthy appearance. Saw Pippin talking to some men at the bar. The dumbass actually blurted out my name! To distract everyone I jumped on the table and began to dance, sing, making a fool out of myself but hey, it got their attention. Then I fell off the table and the Ring slipped on my finger. When I took it off Strider grabbed me and hauled me up the stairs. He threw into the room and I landed on my knees. I think he was staring at my butt but then again it was pointing straight up in the air so how couldn't he? I was told a bunch of stuff that I've already forgotten and then my cousins along with Sam burst into the room trying to defend me. Actually felt feelings of love for them....but then they hugged me and wouldn't let go. Back to normal now. In the middle of the night the black riders trashed our room. The noise they made was unbearable! How is a hobbit supposed to get any beauty sleep around here?! We're heading out in the morning and we're going to cut through the woods. Sounds like so much fun.

Day 35: Forest/Weathertop

Traveling has been hard. I have a callus on foot and it hurts so bad! Sam offered to carry me but I refused. Later that evening Strider left us alone....which seems somewhat stupid to me. Got stabbed by a black rider. Ow. Strider came at the last moment and saved us. Figures....decide to come after the fragile little hobbit is hurt. Ow....my shoulder....pain....

Day 36?: Forest?

I don't know what was going on.....I only know I was on top of a horse and passing in and out of consciousness. Then, this elf woman was on the horse with me and we were riding. Felt somewhat happy. The woman smelled pretty good....I wonder if she can cook....The black riders popped out of no where and all hell broke lose. For a minute I thought I was going to be captured when I saw one of them reach for me. We made it to the river though and she told them: "If you want him...then come and claim him." Who does this woman think she is and what is she trying to prove? Passed out.....

Day 40: Rivendell

Woke up to find Gandalf sitting next to me and he told me why he couldn't meet us at Bree. I met back up with my cousins and Sam who nearly hugged the life out of me. They do know that my shoulder still hurts, right? Met up with Bilbo....nothing much happened there. Went to a council to discuss the Ring and I volunteered to take it to Mt. Doom. Hey, anything to get away from those three meddlesome hobbits. Then, all three of them came out of no where and insisted on coming. I'll never get rid of them. Some other people I don't know joined and so formed the Fellowship. I don't like the one called Boromir. He's been looking at me funny....I think he's thinking evil thoughts about me....

Day 46: Some mountain....somewhere....

Leave it to Gandalf to pick a path up in the freezing mountains. I feel down the slope but Strider caught me. When I reached for the Ring I found it was missing and just ahead of me on the snow. Boromir picked it up and Strider ordered him to give it back to me. Boromir did and he ruffled my hair. Grr! What does he think I am...a child?! I wonder if he would like a tiny bite hole in his thigh! I couldn't see over the snow bank so Strider carried me. Felt nice and cozy warm....Felt attracted to him once again. An avalanche fell on us....I was cold....couldn't breath...then Strider dug me out. Hmm, it seems like he's been helping me a lot lately....he must be up to something. Gandalf decided it would be best to go through the Mines of Moria. Why didn't he think of that before? Oh, yeah, he has dementia. Caught Boromir staring at me again.... 

Day 52: Outside the Mines of Moria

We've been sitting here for over an hour now because Gandalf can't figure out the password on the door. I suggested that he say friend and when he did the door opened! Leave it to a hobbit to figure something out! When we were about to walk in a tentacle grabbed me and tried to drag me in the water. Sam made himself useful for once and chopped it off but then more tentacles shot out pushing them away. The creature grabbed me once again. Why does everything come after me? Strider saved me...as usual. Got trapped in the mines. Oh happy day. Saw a strange tint in Boromir's eyes.....

Day 56: Moria

As I was dozing off I felt a pair of hands groping my chest. Whoever they were I bit their fingers. No one tries to take my Ring! Had an awful oily, fishy taste in my mouth for awhile. Got chased by some orcs, got stabbed by a cave troll, then got chased by a Balrog, and Gandalf fell off the bridge. What a day. Boromir carried me out and wouldn't let me go. I had to bite his hand before he would put me down.

Day 58: Lothlorien

I met Lady Galadriel today....very pretty but can she cook? Looked into her mirror and saw very disturbing images. I'll be scarred for life! I was then given a weird star phial...wonder what's used for...I think she told me but I wasn't paying attention. The sparkly lights can be quite distracting. The next day we were all to leave. I'm sorry that we'll have to leave. Galadriel was a pretty descent cook.

Day 60: Amon Hen

When the boats were docked I wondered off alone. I ran into Boromir along the way and he tried to take the Ring. I saw that strange tint in his eyes and he looked as if he were about to kiss me. I attempted to kick him between the legs but he was wearing a cod piece. Ow...my foot hurts. I then slipped on the Ring and punched him in the face. Ow....my fist hurts...When I took off the Ring I ran into Strider and I told it would be best if I headed off on my own. He leaned down and I could have sworn he was about to kiss me but some orcs came along...thank God. I scurried off, got into a boat, began to paddled off when Sam arrives. When I yelled at him to go away he jumped in the river! Stupid hobbit! Now I have no choice but to save him and now he gets to tag along. I hate this Ring! I wish it had never come to me!

Next: Sam's Diary.


	2. Sam

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Warnings: Language and implied themes.

Sam's Diary.

Day 1: Hobbiton

I tried to dance with Frodo at the party tonight but Rose got in my way before I could reach him. How am I supposed to get him to notice me with her in the way? He's so dreamy.....handsome....rich....has a nice hobbit hole....I'd be set for life with him!

Day 2: Hobbiton

I love Mr. Frodo.

Day 3: Hobbiton

I love Mr. Frodo.

Day 4: Hobbiton

Have I written that I love Mr. Frodo? Well, I do.

Day 5: Hobbiton

I've taken a job clipping Mr. Frodo's hedges. I bet he doesn't even suspect that it's all a rouse so I can be closer to him. It was a hot day, much to my delight, so I took off my shirt and tried to show off my impressive chest and belly to Mr. Frodo. He didn't notice though. He just took a sip of water and kept reading his book. Damn it. What does it take to get his attention? I even tried bending over but that didn't seem to work either. I hid in the bushes that night and peeked through his window but he had already changed. Damn it. Perhaps tomorrow night. I love him so much.

Day 20: Hobbiton

I was peeping on Frodo again when I overheard him and Gandalf discussing a Ring and how it could lead to the end of the world. There was talk of Mr. Frodo leaving Hobbiton! No! I can't lose him! I must have whimpered too loud because the next thing I know I'm being flung over a table by Gandalf. At first I thought he was going to kill me but then he said I was to join Frodo on his quest. I'm ever so happy! Now I can prove my undying love to Mr. Frodo by showing him how loyal I can be! Hmm, there's going to be cold nights along the way....we might have to share a bed roll....I've got my fingers crossed. Gandalf left us alone in the woods...ohhhhh.....

Day 22: Crickhollow

Well, Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin spilled our little secret about spying on Frodo. He didn't seem too happy about the whole deal but I'm sure he'll get over it. Pippin actually suggested that we all take a group bath! Now, I wouldn't mind sharing a tub with Frodo but I wouldn't be caught dead sharing a tub with the likes of those two! There's something odd about them...Anywho, we all had separate tubs and I couldn't keep my eyes off of Mr. Frodo. His skin looked so silky and soft as the soapsuds slid down him....then I noticed Merry and Pippin watching too. I don't know why but I suddenly had the urge to dip their heads under the water and hold them down until they didn't move any more. Is there something wrong with me? When Mr. Frodo stood up from the tub wearing nothing but soapsuds I was almost certain I would pass out. I forgive Merry and Pippin for stealing his towel. Frodo locked his door tonight. I just about cried. I can't stand being apart from him....so I slept outside his door.

Day 23: Old Forest/Tom's house

Nothing really exciting happened today. A tree tried to eat Merry and Pippin, a guy named Tom saved us, met his wife, got food poisoning, and spent the night retching most of my guts up. Didn't get to sleep next to Frodo....Merry and Pippin snuggled against him. I'm feeling an urge to kill....

Day 24: Old Forest/Tom's house

Our journey was delayed due to the rain. I'm still hacking up my guts.....still didn't get sleep next to Frodo since Merry and Pippin took my spot yet again. They were moving against him this time...now why would they be doi----I will not kill them. I will not kill them. I will not kill them.

Day 25: Old Forest/Barrow Downs

Finally, we left Tom's house. Finally, I stopped vomiting. Goldberry came out throwing food at us and small package hit me in the head. I waved my finger at her but she didn't seem to notice. Mr. Frodo dumped the food into a stream......there goes the ecosystem of the forest. Reached the Barrow Downs and became separated from Mr. Frodo in the fog. I thought I would die at being away from him...then I saw this scary shape and passed out. When I woke back up I found Mr. Frodo and Tom hovering over me. He led us out of the forest somewhere close to Bree. What in God's name is that smell?

Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony

Well, we made it to the inn in one piece. I noticed a grungy man in the corner watching Mr. Frodo. I had the sudden urge to walk over and stab him in the kneecap with my fork. Pippin wandered off and talked about Mr. Frodo. To distract everyone Mr. Frodo jumped on the table and began to dance. I had to restrain myself from yelling "take it off!" He tripped over a plate and fell to the floor. He must have accidentally put on the Ring because he went invisible. When we spotted him the ranger had grabbed him and pushed him up the stairs. I ran up the steps with Merry and Pippin to search for Mr. Frodo. After a few minutes of barging into random rooms and being hit with rotten fruit we finally got to the right one. Found Strider hunching over Frodo. Restrained myself from leaping onto his back and tearing his throat out. Tried to share a bed with Mr. Frodo but wound up squished between Merry and Pippin.....those two ain't right. There were loud pitch screams in the middle of the night....at least some one is getting on...unlike me....

Day 27: Somewhere in the forest

We started out into the woods today. Before we left I chucked an apple at this ugly guy for selling us a crappy pony named Bill. Felt good to unleash my growing tension. Am I the only one that can see how hot Mr. Frodo is? Note to self: get handkerchief.....drooling problem becoming frequent.

Day 28: Forest

Walked through a bunch of trees. Nothing happened. I love Mr. Frodo. 

Day 29: Forest

Walked through a bunch of brush. Nothing happened. I love Mr. Frodo. 

Day 30: Forest

Walked through a marsh. Mr. Frodo became lodged in the muck and I pulled him out. He touched my hand and thanked me! He loves me! He really loves me! Oh, how I love Mr. Frodo!

Day 31: Forest

Walked through some more trees. Nothing happened. I still love Mr. Frodo.

Day 35: Forest/Weathertop

Mr. Frodo had a callus on his foot. The poor dear. I offered to carry him but he just pushed me away. God he is so hot! That night Strider wandered off and left us alone. Almost got to cuddle with Mr. Frodo but the Black Riders attacked. Damn those freaks! No! They stabbed Mr. Frodo! Those bastards! I'll kill every last one of them! But, then again, Mr. Frodo looks awfully tasty being so helpless on the ground.....No! Think disgusting thoughts! Think disgusting thoughts! Oh good here comes Strider! Hey, why does he get to carry Mr. Frodo?

Day 36: Forest

That no good Strider handed Mr. Frodo over to an elf woman! Now she's taking him away to Rivendell while I have to stay here and walk! Do you know how long it will take me to reach Rivendell? It will take us six days! Six days! How am I to survive without him?! I feel like I'm going to die! Merry and Pippin hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and then they were both doing it at the same time! They both tried to reach my lip but I shoved them away. There is something wrong those two!

Day 40: Rivendell

I arrived at Rivendell sooner then I thought. Found Mr. Frodo in bed....fought the urge to kiss him...Then he was taken to a secret meeting. I hid in the bushes and when Mr. Frodo mentioned that he would take the Ring I jumped out and offered to go along with him. He had the cutest expression on his face when he saw me. At least we would go together and be rid of Merry and Pippin....Oops, spoke too soon...here come the two troublemakers now. I'm suspicious of the one called Boromir....he looks at my master in a strange way.

Day 46: On a mountain

Too much snow.....too cold....can't reach Mr. Frodo....Strider carrying him on opposite side. Damn Strider. Damn Gandalf for bringing us up this mountain! Now, after being buried in snow, frost bitten, and halfway across he wants to go to the Mines of Moria! Stupid old fart....

Day 52: Outside the Mines of Moria

Helped save Mr. Frodo from tentacle monster....Strider caught him though....damn Strider. Got trapped in the mine. Oh well, at least I can grope Mr. Frodo in the dark...

Day 56: Moria

Groped Mr. Frodo but stopped after he bit someone. Watched Mr. Frodo get stabbed by a cave troll and cried thinking he was dead. Watched as Mr. Frodo got up and cried in relief at his survival. Chased by orcs and Gandalf confronted a Balrog. Cried when he fell off the bridge. I'll miss that stinky wizard.

Day 58: Lothlorien

Reached the forbidden wood and was almost turned to a pincushion by some elves. Met Lady Galadriel and received a box of dirt. Of all the crappy things I could be given.....Is it just me or does it seem everyone else got a better gift? On a happier note I found the food to be quite satisfying but I've been hungry for something else....

Day 59: Some river...

Got to share a canoe with Mr. Frodo without Merry and Pippin. Very content....Saw Boromir staring at Mr. Frodo. I had the sudden urge to tip his canoe over....

Day 60: Amon Hen

All hell breaks loose.....I don't know where I'm going. Merry and Pippin dart off in one direction, Gimili and Legolas in another, Strider goes off too, and I'm left close to camp. I find Mr. Frodo trying to paddle away. When he doesn't turn around I jumped into the river....he'd have no choice but to take me now! Sure enough, he pulls me out but isn't too happy about it though. Ah well, he'll get over it. Now I'm finally alone with him! After all this time no more interruptions! The weight of the Ring seems to be affecting Mr. Frodo....he'll need someone to comfort him on those long, cold nights....and that someone will be me....

Next: Review and tell me what character you want next. :)


	3. Legolas

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Warnings: Language and implied themes.

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Legolas' Diary

Day, I don't care: Rivendell

Another typical day horseback riding to Elrond's. Not only did I get saddle rash but I got a hangnail too! Those damn things hurt! Ugh, there went my manicure! Arrived at Rivendell a day early....very pleased with myself. I'm such a terrific horse back rider. I mean, who on Middle Earth could be better then me....especially with looks? 'Accidentally' bumped into Arwen bathing in the stream....I lost my vision for a moment and felt very nauseated. To relieve the feeling I just gazed at myself in the mirror for an hour...did my body good. Went to a stupid council....volunteered to help the Ringbearer....am I stupid or what? Why do I get myself into these situations? Almost killed a dwarf named.....Oh how am I supposed to remember that vile creature's name? Do you know that disgusting dwarf spat on me?! Me?! Of all the nerve! I spent the entire night bathing and I still feel dirty! Speaking of dirty I'm finding myself attracted to that ranger named Strider/Aragorn...whatever....why can't people stick to one name?

Day, Does it matter?: Forest

Today was my first hiking trip and I miss my horse! My soft feet are killing me! I spent all week giving myself the perfect pedicure and now calluses are forming! Oh what did I do to deserve this?! Noticed Boromir watching the hobbit called Frodo very closely. I think he's becoming obsessed.....

Day, Do you think I care or something?: Forest

I wanted to stop to take a bath in the stream but the others wouldn't allow it! "No, Legolas, we don't have time to stop! We must push on! Time is of the essence!" Time is of the essence my shiny, hairless ass! We have all the time in the world! Why, just this morning we stopped for two hours because Frodo hurt his ankle! Everyone got out their blankets, wrapped him up like some precious child, and offered to get him anything he wanted! Oh, I see how it is! Just because he's the Ringbearer he gets all the special treatment while the delicate elf gets left in the dark! Figures! Heard some odd grunts and moans coming from the hobbit pile by the fire on my watch.....poor things must be having nightmares....Noticed Aragorn watching the pile.....appeared aroused.....that's odd.....

Day, I'm immortal....it doesn't matter!: On a stupid mountain

I hate this stupid mountain! It's freezing and I'm getting snow all over my silky face! I spent all last night putting moisturizer cream on my flesh and now it's chapping up! Ugh, the things I go through for this Fellowship! Gandalf is in a grumpy mood....doesn't seem to know where he's going. That's what we get for leaving an old coot in charge. Pippin wouldn't stop complaining....does he seem annoying to anyone else? To shut him up I shoved snow down his pants...that got his attention! Found out that hobbits don't wear underwear....Hmm, I hope he doesn't get frostbite down there. I might feel a bit bad if he had to have an amputation.....Ha ha ha! He tried to come after me but he can't walk above the snow like I can! Oh how I love being an elf! He got lost under the snow and it took us an hour to burrow him out. The hobbit actually looks good with blue skin.....Spent a few more hours on the path when an avalanche fell on us. Now we're heading to the Mines of Moria. Ew, I can't believe I'm going to a dank, musty dwarf city! I better salvage my soap....I think I'm going to need it. I bet they don't even have a proper sewage system down there. I'll have to hold it in......

Day, Can't remember the date: Outside Moria

Took Gandalf several hours before he realized the password was friend, well, he learned that from Frodo. Shot a slimy, disgusting tentacle thingie with my trusty bow. The arrow went right through the creature's eye. Am I a good shot or what? My hair and clothing got wet. Ugh, I am such a mess now! How annoying! Now my beautiful, silky hair will frizz up! I hate this journey!

Day, Who cares?: Moria

Spotted Sam groping Frodo in the dark....and then Merry and Pippin were doing the same thing....Hobbits are such odd creatures....I never knew they were so emotionally attached to one another or so, shall we say, touchy feely. Smacked Boromir's hand when he groped Frodo's chest....he must have been after the Ring or at least I hope so......Killed some orcs with my wonderful bow and helped destroy a cave troll. Tried to push Gimili off the bridge but he was too heavy to nudge. Damn it. I was quite pleased when Gandalf fell off the bridge...now I won't have to put up with his filthy stink! Oh, wait, I still have to be around the dwarf! Ugh! By the way, that Gimili has been looking at me funny.....I wonder if he's gay....

Day.....: Lothlorien

Finally, I got to take a bath! There were so many places to choose from but I chose the forbidden stream. Hmm, nothing like having pure, forbidden water cascade all over your body. Of course I got a few looks from some of the elven population but that's normal. Who wouldn't want to look at me? Even I can't keep my eyes off myself. I know they want me....everyone wants me. Oh, I better get a move on! Galadriel is storming over to bitch at me no doubt. Oops, I think I just killed off the fish with my shampoo and conditioner.

Day......: Lothlorien

Ugh, nothing to do in this damn place! Watched Boromir train Merry and Pippin in sword fighting. He seems to have become quite attached to those two....too attached I think. Ew, that is so disgusting! They don't have to roll all over each other in public like that! Ugh, get a room! Looked at myself in a mirror for several hours singing: "I'm too sexy for my bow, too sexy for my bow! Too sexy! I'm too sexy for the Fellowship, too sexy for the Fellowship! Too sexy!" Wait, why am I writing that? Oh well, I am though....who can deny it?

Day......: Lothlorien

Not a good day. Galadriel scolded me for defiling the forbidden stream, hit me for using her mirror as a mouthwash, and nearly killed me for fooling around with her handmaidens. Hey, they're the ones that came onto me! She kept going on how it was so improper for an elf to have such behavior. Yeah, she's one to talk. I know about the underground activities she partakes with her handmaidens and her husband. Orgy city! Got a bow and some arrows for a present.....typical....everyone always gets me a gift....I've gotten better though. Had to smack Boromir's hand again. That man just won't leave that poor hobbit alone.

Day, I hate this journey!: Floating aimlessly down a river

Have I mentioned that hate this damn journey!! The damn dwarf nearly sunk our canoe with his titanic butt weight! Oh, and he can't row for crap! Saw Boromir staring at Frodo again. In the distance I could see an approaching tree branch. Tried to get his attention by splashing him with water but it didn't work. Told him to duck but he didn't listen.....Boromir knocked unconscious. Well, at least he won't be after the Ring for awhile. 

Day......: Still floating on the river

Something attacked us at night....I shot it with my new bow. Got the ugly creature right where it counts. Ha ha ha! Go me! Have I mentioned how good I am? Boromir watching Frodo again, Sam watching Frodo, Merry and Pippin watching Sam, Aragorn watching just about everyone, and Gimili watching me....God help us! What is becoming of the Fellowship?! God I hope this doesn't turn into Deliverance! It won't, right? Right?

Day, It's been such a long morning: Amon Hen

Attached by orcs.....Fellowship split up....Boromir killed....still stuck with the annoying dwarf. Now I'm off to help save Merry and Pippin. I hope those two don't piss off the orcs too much. They can be quite the handful.....Ow! Ugh, I've got another hangnail! Why do such terrible things always happen to me?!

Next: Boromir's diary.


	4. Boromir

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Warnings: Language and minor violence.

Boromir's Diary

Day 1: Rivendell

Called to a council. I want that Ring. I volunteered to join the Fellowship... to help....destroy....I want that Ring!

Day2: Rivendell

I want that Ring! Departed from Rivendell....I want that Ring!!

Day 3: Forest

I want that Ring! I had the oddest dream last night. I dreamt that I was frolicking in the fields with the hobbit Frodo hand in hand. Then, we were rolling in the flowers and kissing....then I whipped out my sword, chopped off his head, and stole the Ring! Ha! I should have more dreams like that! I wonder if there's something wrong with me.....I want that Ring!

Day 4: Forest

I want that Ring! Sam has been glaring at me.....I think he wants to kill me. Now why would he want to do that? I haven't done anything but stare at Frodo and maybe try to slit his throat in the middle of the night. Sheesh, not like it's a big deal. But now that I think on it...he might have a thing for Frodo.... I....I....I want that Ring damn it!!

Day 5: Forest

Still don't have the Ring....

Day 6: Forest

Still don't have the Ring.....beginning to hear voices....but that's normal....I've been hearing voices ever since I was a wee child. Then again, the voices were always telling me to burn things before....now they're telling me to kill everyone. Should I be worried? Frodo is scared today for some odd reason.....he looks so yummy when frightened......I want that Ring! Why can't I have the Ring?!

Day 12: Forest

Still don't have the Ring.....voices are becoming louder.....telling me to rip the hobbit to shreds......I think I'll sit by the dwarf. His skanky smell will take my mind off anything, any time. Have I mentioned that I want that damn Ring!!

Day 15: Forest

Still don't have the Ring.....Started to teach Merry and Pippin sword fighting. Nicked Pippin's hand.....felt bad....then both tackled me to the ground. Felt kind of good having the two on me.....now I'm even more confused. Later, I found Pippin getting into more mischief. He was messing with my sword hilt and scratched up the sheath....wanted to put him over my knee but I restrained myself. Saw Frodo sleeping alone.....went to take the Ring but Legolas smacked my hand....Damn that nosey elf! Note to self: when opportunity arises seek revenge on the elf. I want that Ring!!

Day 30: Forest

The Ring is still not in my hands yet......Aragorn has become a nuisance. He won't let me any where near Frodo. How am I supposed to steal the Ring if he's always guarding Frodo? I'm pondering the thought of Aragorn having an 'unfortunate accident'. Would the Fellowship really miss him if he were gone? I mean, it's not like he has some sort of destiny to fulfill or does he? I can't remember.....Oh well, we're coming up to a ravine now....Nice slippery rocks ahead.....

Day 35: Forest

Damn it!! I pushed Aragorn off a ravine and he still survived!! What the hell?! Later that day I stuffed a rattlesnake in his bedroll and it never attacked him!! It's like fate is out to protect him or something!! Wait, I guess the snake couldn't get the chance since his foot odor killed it off. I think he has some sort of fungus growing on his toenails. I'm surprised that God-awful stench hasn't killed any of us off yet. Ah well, at least some nice game animals were killed off by the stench. Saves us all the time and effort of hunting. I want that Ring!! Why is so hard to get a tiny trinket from a hobbit?!

Day 40: Forest

Still don't have the Ring. I had the oddest dream last night. I dreamt that I was hurled into a place of fire and brimstone with little guys dressed in red jump suits who poked me in the ass with pitchforks. Hmm, felt kind of good. Does that dream mean something? I can't help but wonder......I....I....I want that damn Ring!

Day 46: Mountain Path

I touched! I touched it! I touched it! Oh, I actually held the Ring! Frodo had slipped down the slope, with my help of course, and the Ring fell from his neck. I picked up the Ring and held it in my hands by the chain then Aragorn had to open his big mouth! He made me give the Ring back to Frodo! Before I could hand it over the hobbit snatched it right out of my hand! That little son of a bitch! Acting as if I'm some sort of thief! Of course I put on a fake smile and ruffled his hair. Fought the urge to tear the soft curls from his skull...An avalanche fell on us...very annoying. At least the snow got the grease out of my hair. I really, really hate this damn quest! Damn Aragorn! Damn Gandalf! Damn Legolas! Damn.....ow..ow...ow....ow....I just gave myself a headache. Argh, the voices are coming back! That's only increasing my......I want that Ring!

Day 52: Outside Moria

Gandalf spent half the day trying to figure out the damn password to the door. Sat off in the corner and watched Frodo. I have to devise a way to get that Ring! The door was finally opened and then this water monster attacked us. Tried to save Frodo but Aragorn shoved me out of the way so he could catch him instead. Damn bastard! Note to self: when opportunity arises seek revenge on Aragorn.

Day 54: Moria

Still don't have the Ring in my grasp. Found Frodo asleep in the dark so I tried to take the Ring. Legolas caught me and smacked my hand. I really have to find a way to get rid of that elf. Slept off in the corner alone....Why won't anyone sleep next to me? I'm so cold.....and lonely....I....I...I want that Ring!

Day 56: Moria

Nothing important happened today. Killed some orcs, a cave troll, and escaped the Balrog with no casualties on our side. Got to carry Frodo out of the mine....couldn't put him down. Then he bit me...so I threw him to the ground. That little hobbit has some sharp teeth! I think he bit me down to the bone! Note to self: when opportunity arises seek revenge on Frodo.

Day 57: Lothlorien

Was freaked out by some elven woman.....what was her name? Galadwapiel....Goldilocks.....Glasadriel....

Oh who the hell cares?! I have a feeling I won't be seeing her again anyway. Spent the night watching Frodo. Tried to take the Ring but that damn elf got in the way again! Grr.....I need to kill something to vent my rage! I think I'll go visit that elf woman's bird sanctuary......

Day 58: Lothlorien

Got shot in the ass with an arrow for killing two of the elf queen's prized songbirds. It wasn't my fault! I was aiming for the endangered shadow lark but it moved and my arrow went through the songbird. As for the other one....I meant to kill it. The damn thing wouldn't shut up! It's constant singing was blocking out the voices in my head. Ow...ow....ow...my freaking ass! I'm going to hunt down that elf that shot me! Hmm, this was my first day not thinking about......I want that Ring!! Later received a belt for a gift.......

Day 59: River 

I want that Ring!! Spent most of my time staring at Frodo. Then I was knocked unconscious by a tree limb.....Why the hell didn't someone warn me?! Ow....my head......Note to self: when opportunity arises seek revenge on all tree limbs.

Day 60: Amon Hen

Confronted Frodo in the woods.......All I wanted to do was barrow it but he wouldn't even sit still to talk to me! I tackled him to the ground and tried to convince him very nicely to give it to me. Then, as I was calmly talking to him he kicked me between the legs! Thank God I was wearing a codpiece! Then he slipped the Ring on and hit me in the face. Damn. Wandered off and ran into Merry and Pippin surrounded by orcs. Drew out my sword and rushed bravely into battle......five minutes later: killed by orcs. Damn it! Note to self: when opportunity arises come back to haunt all orcs......

Next: Either Aragorn or Gandalf...... 


	5. Gandalf

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Warnings: Strong Language

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Gandalf's diary.

Day 1?: Hobbiton?

I went to a hobbit party.....shot off some fireworks......a few tents caught fire.....a few hobbits caught fire. I had to beat Merry and Pippin with my staff.....can't remember why. My next stop was at Bag End and I wound up beating Bilbo with my staff so he would drop the Ring. When I tried to approach him he bit my leg and I broke my staff over his head. Damn it. Now I need to get a new staff. Found out Bilbo's Ring is the one Ring.....crap.....I entrusted the Ring to Frodo and told him to go to Bree along with that stalker....can't remember his name. Left the two in the woods so I could council with Saruman. I'm sure those two can look out for themselves.....right?

Day 235?: Orthnac?

Found out Saruman is a traitor and working with Sauron. Got into an outlandish fight where he flung me around like a rag doll and then launched me to the top of the tower. It's cold....and scary....and wet....How am I supposed to go to the bathroom? Oh well. Look out below orcs!!

Day 20: Orthnac?

I was chatting with Saruman today.....we couldn't remember why I was put up here.....then an orc reminded us. Damn orc. Thrown around for an hour.....nothing else happened.

Day 00: Orthnac?

Caught a moth thingie in my hand.....very tempted to eat it.....but told it to find that eagle king...whatever the hell his name is. Then, I let it let it go....I changed my mind and tried to eat it. Damn thing got away....

Day 90: Orthnac?

Flung around by Saruman....saved by eagle lord.....rode on its back for hours......got whiplash......fell off into a patch of prickers.....ow....don't know where I am.....some forest area......ow....Now I have to spend an hour picking these needles out of my ass!

Day 6: Weathertop

Attacked by nine guys dressed in black robes.....what the hell are they?! At least I got to break in my new staff....literally.....Oh well. This quiet period will give me a chance to catch up on my reading. Ohhh.....Wizard Staff Weekly....Hey, wait a minute...was I attacked before or after I was held captive by Saruman? I can't remember.....

Day 45: Rivendell

Stupid hobbit was stabbed by a black rider. I thought I put Aragorn in charge of them to prevent this type of incident! How hard is it to protect four midgets?! How much longer before I can leave this hobbit's side?! Why won't the damn thing wake up?! I've got better things to do then watch this hobbit sleep. Maybe if I violently shook him.....

Day 65: Rivendell

Got into trouble with Elrond for shaking and smacking Frodo. No, it did not wake him up.....it put him deeper into a coma. Damn it! Also received some complaints from the elves......apparently some prized plants were wilting.....I wonder why.....Hmm, I wonder where that God awful stench is coming from....

Day 999: Rivendell

The hobbit finally woke up....about damn time.....Sheesh, he was only stabbed in the shoulder...not like it was life threatening or something. Held a council with Elrond which was way too long. I fell asleep for half the meeting....drooled on Frodo......sneezed on Gimili....Well, you can't really notice on him since he's naturally grungy. At the end I think I volunteered to go on some journey or something. Ugh, why did I have to fall asleep during the council?!

Day 42: Forest?

The others are saying we've been walking in circles for several hours and now are complaining that we have passed the same tree ten times now. Oh come on! For God's sake they're trees! They all look the same! What do they think I am?! An old wizard with dementia?! I have a very keen sense of direction! Besides, even if we are perhaps a little lost, we'll get to where we're going.....eventually. Wait, where are we going again?

Day 79: Forest?

Boromir has been trying to steal the Ring from Frodo.......had to whack him in the legs....broke my staff again....Damn it! Where the hell do they make these things?! Gotta find the label......Mordor?! I've been buying my staffs from Mordor?! Damn it! No wonder Sauron has such a big army. He's been gaining his finances from me!! Of all the rotten fucking.........what was I saying? Oh yeah, buy new staff......

Day 789: Mountain?

Chose to go up a below freezing, snow covered, highly dangerous mountain path....am I a genius or what? Where would the Fellowship be without me? We were doing quite find except for a few delays, thanks to Pippin. Damn hobbit. Oh, then an avalanche fell on us.....can't remember who caused it. Decided it would be best to pass through the Mines of Moria. Oi, here comes the elf.....probably to complain no doubt. He's worse then the hobbits. Why can't he just talk to himself like Boromir? I notice he's been doing a lot of that lately.........

Day 1.45: Outside Moria?

I can't remember the damn password to that damn door! It only took an hour to figure it out though....all on my own too.....at least I think. Just as we were getting in the watcher attacked and grabbed Frodo. I had to restrain myself from laughing. That poor hobbit just looked so funny being flung around and having him shriek like a woman in labor didn't help matters either. Then, as Frodo fell from its grasp, I became quite worried. It appeared Aragorn and Boromir were going to get into a bitch fight over who was going to catch Frodo. Aragorn won of course....

Day 666: Moria

I confronted the Balrog at the bridge. Of course the Fellowship left me behind....probably thought I was bravely confronting it so they could escape. Morons. The only reason I faced the damn thing was because my robe got snared in a crack. Argh!! Why couldn't I have worn pants like any other normal man?! Vanquished the Balrog....then got hit with its massive whip and clung to the edge before falling along with it. Why didn't someone make an attempt to come rescue me? Stupid, cowardly Fellowship! If I wasn't such a good person I'd have them flung into the Cracks of Doom! Hey, I just remembered that's where we were supposed to go! Oh, well, I can't go there now considering that I trapped in this cave.....Well, I'm off to chase the Balrog around and then die......what a life I live.....

Next: Aragorn


	6. Aragorn

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Warnings: Language.

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Aragorn's Diary

Day 1: Woods

Wandered around.....got into a fight with a squirrel....damn thing was trying to steal my acorns....got bit by the squirrel.....hope I don't get rabies.....white stuff is foaming from my mouth....

Day 2: Woods

Wandered around......got into a fight with skunk.....won the battle, lost the war.....off to search for some tomatoes.....

Day 3: Woods

Wandered around.....got attacked by some birds....what did I do to deserve this life?

Day 4: Woods

Wandered around......haven't taken a bath in a month. Ah well. At least it's starting to keep most of the wildlife away. I can finally sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery while quietly reflecting to myself......God I need some entertainment! Where's that Arwen chick when you need her?!

Day 5: Bree/Prancing Pony

Sat in the inn, The Prancing Pony, for several hours waiting for those damn hobbits. God, how long is it going to take for those midgets to get here?! Sheesh, it's not like they have a long way to walk! Oops, here they come now.....Well, I think I'll just sit here quietly and stare at them for a bit......not letting them know whose side I might be on. Hmm, I wonder why they look so frightened of me? It's not like I look tall, dark, and scary! Hey, what the hell does that hobbit think he's doing?! One of them is dancing on a table like he dropped a match down his pants......not that I have done that before....Ok, ok, so I feel asleep smoking a cigarette once....nothing bad happened....just lost all my facial hair for a year....now I'm getting off topic....Hell! That dumbass just fell off and slipped the Ring on! Morons! This entire world is filled with morons! I'm gonna beat that hobbit's little ass once I find him! Oh, there he is now! Ow! That hobbit can kick! Dragging him up the stairs won't be as easy as I anticipated. Well, once I got him to the room I explained who I was and the current situation but I don't think he was paying attention. He kept looking at me funny.....strange glint in his eyes.....Then, the other three hobbits came bursting into the room. The one called Sam was really riled up! He tried to take a bite out of my shins! Spent the night with them.....Merry, Sam, and Pippin shared the bed while Frodo slept on the floor....smart hobbit....Heard some Ringwraiths.....saw some movement in the bed.....Honestly, what is up with these hobbits?!

Day 6: Forest

Wandered with the hobbits.....got mauled by a gopher while the hobbits pointed and laughed....damn hobbits! I'm risking my life for those losers and they can't help pull psychotic rodent off me?! White stuff is foaming from my mouth again.......

Day 7: Forest

Wandered around with the hobbits.....Pippin kept complaining that he wanted to stop to eat.....tried to stuff his face in a yellow jacket nest but Sam stopped me. I don't understand why he did that. It would have gotten rid of Pippin's appetite but, depending if he has allergies, it might have taken his life. Now that I think on it.....would it really matter if Pippin was killed. He's not important....

Day 10: Weathertop

Wandered off leaving the hobbits alone.....Made it appear as if I was searching the area to make sure it was safe....Actually, I just wanted to get the hell away from those maniacs! They're driving me nuts! "Aragorn, we have to stop my feet are killing me! "Aragorn, I'm hungry!" "Aragorn, I need more then an apple to keep me going!" "Aragorn, we have to stop I'm feeling horny!" I'd rather spend a week with Arwen then put up with another night with them! Came back after an hour and guess what I found: the hobbits being attacked by the Ringwraiths! Curse those damn halflings! Can't they stay out of trouble?!

Day 11: Forest

Carried Frodo around for several hours......kept whining about how his shoulder hurt.....very tempted to tell him to shut up.....but I didn't. After all, I guess it's a grievous injury. Ran off to find some Kingsfoil.....almost had my throat slit by Arwen. That elf really doesn't know how to handle a sword! Got into an argument over who was going to take Frodo. Arwen agreed to take him....ha ha ha! What a dumb chick! That annoying hobbit is now in her hands, not mine! Oh, wait, I still have to put up with the other three! By the way, what are the three of them doing in that corner? Oh man. Someone get me the hell out of here! I think I'll run after Arwen....I've changed my mind. I'd be more then happy to take Frodo.

Day 12: Forest

Damn it! Couldn't catch up with Arwen! Pippin was complaining again......finally succumbed to my rage and stuffed his head into a nearby hornet nest. It was hilarious watching him run around with the nest stuck on his head. Oh yeah, he doesn't have allergies! I think I'll do it again! Where did those other two hobbits get off to? 

Day 18: Rivendell

Finally made it to the Elrond's place......can finally get away from the hobbits and be alone for a bit. Oh crap! Here comes that Arwen chick! Now I'm gonna have to put up with an hour of: "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Do you truly love me?" "Would you do absolutely anything for me?" God, now I hate that elf! I know, daddy dearest always puts on a good show on how much he hates me and doesn't want me anywhere near his daughter. Well, actually, he arranged this whole damn marriage deal! He's trying to dump her on me so he can be free of her and I have no choice but to accept. If I refuse, it could result in castration.......or so he says. Later, when eluding Arwen, found Boromir messing around with my broken sword....he dropped it on the floor. Very tempted to ram the damn thing up his ass.....teach him to mess with my stuff. Arwen found me.....damn it! Had to kiss her.....resisted the urge to retch....

Day 19: Rivendell

Called to a council....agreed to go on a mission to destroy the Ring....Great, more time out in the wonderful wilderness......I hate my life.....

Day 20: Forest

Wandered around the woods with the Fellowship....didn't get attacked by anything.....I think Gandalf's smelly robes are keeping most the wildlife away. Yet, it may attract orcs......

Day 21: Forest

Ok, I'm going to cry! I took off my shoes this morning and discovered that I had foot fungus! Why do all the bad things happen to me?! Why can't it happen to one of the hobbits?! Smacked Boromir upside the head when I noticed him crawling near Frodo with a dagger in his mouth. Something is up with that man.....Am I the only one that has noticed him talking to himself? Where the hell do we find these people?! Have I mentioned that I hate my life?!

Day 23: Forest

I think Boromir is trying to kill me......he tried to push me off when we crossing near a ravine...Then, when I went to sleep in my bedroll I noticed something moving and when it stopped I pulled it out. It was a dead rattlesnake.......thank goodness for my foot ordor! Saw Boromir talking to himself again....didn't appear very happy.....his right eye has developed a twitch.....

Day 26: A mountain

Saved Frodo from rolling down the slope....forced Boromir to give him the Ring back.....got snowed in....going back down to Moria.....

Day 30: Outside Moria

Saved Frodo from a monster in the water. Had to shove Boromir out of the way.....Yeah! Go me! Am I great or what? Uh oh....Boromir is starting to look weird but, then again, everyone is starting to look weird....

Day 31: Moria

It was such a boring day.....killed some orcs and a cave troll, got chased by a Balrog which pulled Gandalf into the abyss. Hey, that makes me leader now! It's about damn time!

Day 33: Lothlorien

Sat around.....watched Boromir kill some song birds....laughed when he got shot in ass....I love this place!

Day 34: Lothlorien

Got some gifts.....Oh, I received more then the others! Go me! Well, it is understandable.....Galadriel must have fallen for my charm and rugged good looks.

Day 35: River

Rowed around in a canoe......laughed when Boromir was knocked unconscious by a tree limb. That man must have a brain the size of a pea.....Docked several hours later....noticed the hobbit pile moving by the fire......felt very disgusted.....I need to get away....

Day 37: Amon Hen

Well, the Fellowship has been broken.....Ran into Frodo and we chatted for a few minutes before he decided to bail on me when the orcs came. Damn cowardly hobbit! Ah well. I killed a lot of orcs.....very pleased with myself......Found Boromir dying by a tree. Very tempted to laugh at him but decided it would be disrespectful. I laughed after he died. Off to save Merry and Pippin now....I wish we could just leave them to the mercy of the orcs. I don't see why we have to be in such a rush. Those two can take care of themselves, I think. I mean, they weren't captured by that many orcs and I'm very positive they won't hurt them.....I think.....

Next: Pippin's diary. 


	7. Pippin

Warnings: Language and implied themes.

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Pippin's Diary.

Day 1: Hobbiton

Raided Gandalf's fireworks with Merry.....set a big one off.....got beat with Gandalf's staff.....ow. That's going to leave a mark......

Day 2: Hobbiton

Wandered around with Merry for several hours. Argh, there's nothing to do in the Shire today. To relieve the boredom Merry and I threw rocks at a bee hive. That resulted in a very good use of our legs.

Day 3: Hobbiton

Merry and I visited Frodo today. Well, he really didn't know about it. When he fell asleep in his chair we tried to get in but he had locked the door! Of all the nerve! How could he not trust us? For an hour we attempted to jimmy the lock open.....then we realized one of the windows was open. Once we got in we raided his pipe weed stash. Um, things got a little hazy from there. In fact, my mind is still a bit cloudy.....but getting back to the subject at hand.. I remember drawing squiggly marks all over Frodo's face with Merry, using coal, when Sam came bursting into the room. Oh man. I will never forget the look on his face when he saw Merry and I drawing on Frodo. You know, he came at us with hedge clippers! I've never been more frightened in my life! Well, except that time Gandalf caught me parading around with his dentures in my mouth.....Anywho, Merry and I ended up running around the hobbit hole while Sam pretty much demolished it. Finally, the two of us leapt out of a window and ran away screaming like girls. Not a very high moment for my life....Ok, bad choice of words.....So I was a bit high.....The hobbit lasses seemed to enjoy it.....until I started mooning them.....Those girls can pelt rocks pretty good. I'll be spending an hour soaking my ass......Oh, did I mention that Frodo caught up with me later? Apparently Sam had scrubbed his face for hours but the coal markings weren't coming off his skin. I actually felt kind of bad for doing it when I saw how red his face was......then I realized that was from anger. I won't be walking for a few days......

Day 5: Crickhollow

Gained moderate use of my legs again....I've been noticing Sam walking by my window more often ever since that incident. He actually stopped and pointed his clippers at me. I think something is wrong with him......I think he's hanging around Frodo too much....He should spend more time with Merry and me. Speaking of Merry, he's supposed to stop by to give me a foot massage.

Day 22: Crickhollow

Frodo and Sam stopped by tonight. Apparently, we're all gonna go on this dangerous mission......sounds kind of fun. Merry and I tried to convince Frodo for a group bath but he wouldn't buy it. Damn it! Oh well, we got his towel at least. He had the cutest expression on his face.....you know.....the: "I'm going to tear you to a million shreds while you sleep and then feed your pieces to the crows" look. When he had scampered off to his room we found that he had locked the door! What is up with him? Why doesn't he trust us? We would never do anything to hurt him......I don't think. The two of us attempted to break in later that night but Sam was sleeping at his door. When we came close his head snapped up and he snarled at us! Hmm, I think he's just a tad bit obsessed with our cousin......

Day 23: Old Forest/Tom's House

As usual it was another dull day. For several hours we walked through the forest and then stopped for a break. I guess I fell asleep without knowing it and when I woke back up I was in a tree! Let me just say that I have never felt more violated in my life! That tree was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and other skanky crap! It kept saying how it wanted to make me it's new 'sapling'! Thank God that psychotic Tom guy came along and got us out of there! I was about ready to retch! Tom introduced us to his wife, whom I might say is quite hot, and ate a meal she had prepared. Let me say, if she wasn't already married I would snatch her up like that! That woman can cook! Frodo and Sam didn't seem to like it though....but those two are just weird. The three of us had a hard time sleeping since Sam was upchucking most of the night. Oh well. At least Merry and I got to share a bed with Frodo.....he's quite cuddly....and warm.....

Day 24: Old Forest/ Tom's House

Oh, it was such a beautiful day! I wanted to begin our journey again but Tom and Frodo forbade it! Come on. It's only a little rain and lightening. Sheesh, it's not like the lightening is going to hit us! Goldberry made the most delightful omelet. It was a little runny but that just added to the flavor and the after taste. Spent another night with Frodo.....Sam was still upchucking which, for our sake, was a good thing. We just started out massaging Frodo's shoulder but we got a bit carried away....I don't think Sam noticed.... 

Day 25: Old Forest/Barrow Downs

Got attacked by some creatures......nothing else happened.......

Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony

Wandered around.....drank too much.....blurted out some things about Frodo I shouldn't have.....met a strange ranger named Strider.....slept in a big, comfy bed with Sam......he didn't seem to like that too much...Heard some shrill screaming coming from the hobbit rooms. Hmm, I wonder who is getting shagged......

Day 35: Weathertop

Nothing important happened except that Frodo was stabbed by a black rider. Merry and I tried to console Sam but he just shoved us away. Typical, that hobbit really doesn't know how to show his emotions.

Day 36: Forest

Well, this certainly was not my day! I was talking, minding my own business, when that no good Strider stuffed my face in a bee hive! What the hell is that guy's problem?! Now my face is going to swell up! To make matters even worse Sam was laughing the whole time! Very tempted to punch him in the face but all he would have to do is sit on me and the fight would be over.

Day 40: Rivendell

Merry and I snuck into a secret council and volunteered to help Frodo destroy the Ring. I should survive ok. I mean, after all, this is me we're talking about.

Day 46: Mountain

Another sucky day for me! Got hit in the head again by Gandalf's staff. All I did was sneak under his robe to shelter myself from the wind! Sheesh, that wizard has a personal space issue! Oh and Legolas stuffed some snow down my pants......Well, I wonder how dear Legolas will fear when I stuff a rabid rat down his trousers! It's a good thing we're going down to that mine!

Day 53: Somewhere

Whoa, I actually lost track of time for the past several day. Frodo was attacked by a watcher, then we were attacked by orcs and a cave troll, and then Gandalf was pulled down to his death. Oh crap! I still have his dentures in my pocket! Ew, now I'm kind a creeped out......

Day 58: Lothlorien

Another boring day.....my life sucks......got a crappy belt as a gift.....

Day 60: Amon Hen

Merry and I wandered off like idiots and got cornered by some orcs. Thank goodness Boromir came along to rescue us........but then he got killed. Damn ninny! What type of warrior is he when he can't handle an onslaught of several hordes of orcs?! Ew, these orcs smell......and I don't like where their hands are snooping.....

Next: Merry or Gimili..... 


	8. Gimili

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Warnings: Language and minor gore.

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Gimili's Diary

Day 1: Rivendell

"Mission of the Day: Annoy an elf." Arrived at Rivendell for some council held by Elrond. I can't believe I'm a damn elf city! The entire place smells like potpourri! I'm chocking to death on that God-awful stench! Went to a council, which was a complete waste of my precious time! Well, like a dumbass I agreed to join the Fellowship but it wasn't my fault. That jackass Elrond held the council right after happy hour! I'd agree to do almost anything when so wasted. Anywho, I got into a little tiff with an elf named Legolas. I accidentally spat in his face and he threw a hissy fit. I saw him later taking a bath....what a sissy! It was only spit! "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 2: Forest

"Mission of the Day: Clip elongated toenails." Traveled around in the woods....going in circles. I think that crackpot wizard doesn't know where he's going. Of course, it must be hard to remember when his brain is probably full of holes. I think something is up with that Boromir guy. He has been muttering to himself and keeping a long vigilance over Frodo. Aw, he must be in love....How.....utterly......disgusting. We didn't get much of a break today...had to keep pushing on thanks to Gandalf. I think his stench is attracting wildlife but it is Aragorn who suffers. Poor guy got humped by a bear today......Oh well. I suppose it's better then being with that Arwen thing.... "Mission of the Day: Failed."

Day 3: Forest

"Mission of the Day: Make the elf scream." Another long day in the woods and, once again, nothing much happened. Pippin is starting to annoy the hell out of everyone, Gandalf appears confused, Aragorn is trying to keep the bugs away, Frodo is trying to fend Merry and Sam off, and Legolas is trying to take another bath. Sheesh, how baths does this elf need? One every three months is ample enough as far as I'm concerned. I know.....I'll replace his shampoo with dung....I wonder how the dear elf will react to that? "Mission of the Day: Accomplished, and then some."

Day 7: On a deathtrap mountain

"Mission of the Day: Keep self from beating the crap out of Pippin." Great, just great! That ass of a wizard is leading us to our deaths! Who in their right mind would lead a group of people up a dangerous mountain path?! Well, at least one funny happened today......Legolas shoved snow down Pippin's pants! Ha! Finally, that good for nothing elf did something right! Then the little twerp started to fiddle with my beard! The nerve of that hobbit! He was actually trying to climb in it! Shoved him down the slope.....hit a few jagged rocks....got knocked around by a mountain goat....I'm quite disappointed with myself. Pippin only suffered a major head injury that kept him unconscious for an hour. Damn hobbit was bouncing around once again. Noticed Legolas walking ahead of me.....I must ask him how he can get such shapely thighs. "Mission of the Day: Failed."

Day 10: Outside Moria

"Mission of the Day: Be as lazy as possible." Oh, I got a cramp in my ass from sitting for several hours. That dementia-riddled wizard couldn't figure out the password! When he finally figured it out we were attacked by a monster....watched as Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and the hobbits did most of the work. Noticed how swift Legolas was with his bow.....Ew, not the kind of thoughts I want in my head! Discovered most of kin folk dead...very sad....cried for five minutes..... "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 14: Moria

"Mission of the Day: Kill something, kill anything." Wandered around the mine...found Balin's tomb...felt very sad.....cried for one minute. It was then that we were attacked by orcs and a cave troll. I'm so very proud of myself! With my expert skill I made the cave troll kill his own kind when he was swinging at me! Ha! What a dumbass! When we were running across the bridge I slipped on a rock and nearly fell to my death but Legolas nudged me. I can't believe it...he saved my life....I suddenly feel very attracted to him....Ew..... Gandalf was killed by the Balrog. Felt very happy and smiled for five mintues. "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 18: Lothlorien

"Mission of the Day: Try to stay out of trouble and clip elongated toenails." Grr. Another day in an elf city. I followed Boromir and watched him kill some birds in the sanctuary. I couldn't help but laugh when he got shot. Hmm, those dead birds made one fine meal....Unfortunately, it didn't go over well with the elves. Apparently, they could have brought them back....Well, not after where they just went! Spent the rest of the night clipping my nails. Damn, I've really got to clip these more often. They're so hard....and yellow......I couldn't clip them all off.... "Mission of the Day: Failed and failed."

Day 19: Lothlorien

"Mission of the Day: Piss off an elf." Today was our last day in this place......thank God! Galadriel actually asked me what I wanted for a gift. I can't believe she didn't get me anything! Grr! So, I asked for a lock of hair and she didn't appear too amused about it. Nonetheless, she gave it to me. As I was rowing off in the canoe something hit me in the back of my head. I think that elf queen threw a rock at me! Talk about a bad temper. "Mission of the Day: Accomplished." 

Day 20: River

"Mission of the Day: Attempt to be polite." Rowed for hours down a river. Very boring....Watched Boromir get knocked unconscious by a tree limb. I laughed so hard I nearly toppled the boat over. Hmm, I think he heard me laughing before he conked out....oh well. Once we docked I dunked Pippin in the water. It was such a hoot watching him scream like a little girl. Then, Merry had the nerve to take me on! Who does that hobbit think he is? I would have given him a wedgie but he doesn't wear underwear.....so I just strung him up on a tree limb and poked him with my axe. Frodo and Sam seemed quite pleased with Merry's bondage...even Pippin seemed quite interested....."Mission of the Day: Failed."

Day 22: Amon Hen

"Mission of the Day: Show compassion for all living beings." Attacked by several dozen orcs. I laid waste to most with my axe. I chopped off their arms, legs, heads, and other stuff.....I even gutted one and used its intestines to strangle another orc! Am I creative or what? Noticed Legolas....so swift....so graceful....such a Nancy boy! He squealed every time a drop of blood spurted in his direction! Oh, I gauged one orc's eyes out! What a cool sight! Later found Aragorn with a dying Boromir. Felt sad for thirty seconds.....Off to save Merry and Pippin. "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Next: Merry. After that....it could be anyone....


	9. Merry

****

Warnings: Language.

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Merry's Diary.

Day 1: Hobbiton

Pippin and I got into Gandalf's fireworks, setting off a big one. It wasn't my fault, it was all Pippin's idea and do you know what happens? Not only did that old fart break his staff over by ass but I had to wash dishes too! To make it even worse Gandalf kept dropping cups, bowls, and plates in the dirt! That bastard kept us busy for four hours! Now I won't be able to look up any skirts at the dance! I guess it wouldn't matter anyway. Pippin is always pulling me away from all the lasses.....always keeping me by his side.....I think something is wrong with his head. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who was dropped on his head when he was a baby. I don't think it helped when his dear mum smoked all that pipeweed during the pregnancy, which would explain his hyperactivity. Can you believe he was juggling the plates around, only trying to make this pleasant, and Gandalf whacked him over the head! I'm going to put laxative in his tea when he's not looking!

Day 2: Hobbiton

Wandered with Pippin......pissed off some bees.....spent the night trying to bring down the swelling on my body.....

Day 3: Hobbtion

Hm, it was quite the interesting day. Pippin and I broke into Frodo's house, smoked his pipeweed, drew squiggly marks all over Frodo's face, nearly killed by Sam, mooned some girls, and then passed out in the grass. Later, my dear cousin found me and took me over his knee.....felt strangely good.....Anywho, I told him it was all Pippin's idea so he stalked off to find him. I heard he mauled poor Pip's legs. I agreed to give him a foot massage, it's the least I can do.

Day 4: Hobbiton

I wandered around the wood alone today. I had to get away from Pippin. I can't be around him 24/7! He's starting to smother me! Damn Took!

Day 22: Crickhollow

Met with Sam and Frodo today. Frodo seemed to have the crazy idea that we were spying on him. Just because we were watching and keeping close tabs on his whereabouts doesn't mean we were spying. Anywho, we're going on a journey with him to Bree. Sounds like fun, I suppose. Pippin came up with the idea to take a group bath but Frodo wouldn't go for that. That hobbit is so insecure. It's not like we haven't seen him naked before. He got drunk at dear cousin Celandine's birthday party and did the full monty in front of all the guests. Oh well. He certainly is a strange one. I laughed pretty hard when Pippin stole Frodo's towel and he tried to cover himself with soapsuds. He scampered off somewhere....can't remember where.

Day: 23 Old Forest/Tom's house

Nothing dangerous happened to day. I was violated by an old tree, saved by a guy named Tom, met his drop dead gorgeous wife, ate her cooking, felt good, shared a bed with Pippin and Frodo, and laughed when Sam got food poisoning. He has the cutest look on his face every time he upchucks.

Day 24: Old Forest/Tom's House

Ugly day today. It's been raining all morning so we can't leave until tomorrow. Oh well. At least I get another day to eat Goldberry's fine cooking. She made a delicious omelet. Sure, it was a bit runny and you had to bend down to eat it with your hands because you couldn't scope it with a fork but it was still good. Sam seems to be getting better. His face has gone from a deathly pale to a lively seaweed green. It really improves his appearance.

Day 25: Old Forest/Burrow Downs

As we left today Frodo threw Goldberry's scrumptious food into the river! I tried to wrestle him but Sam grabbed me and sat on me! He's really starting to annoy me! We came across some burial ground and Frodo told us to walk right on in. Later, a fog developed and we were all lost. Something grabbed me and I passed out. When I woke up Frodo and Tom were hauling us out. Hm, there is a most pungent smell in the air. We must be closing in on Bree.

Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony

Nothing important happened today. Got drunk, someone named Strider kidnapped Frodo, Sam threw a hissy fit and insisted that we follow, almost got stabbed by the ranger when we burst into the room. Can you believe Pippin was holding a chair? Yeah, sure, Pip. I'm almost positive a hobbit size chair is going to hurt a full-grown man holding a sword that is practically longer then us. When we went to bed there was some shrieking going on in one of the rooms. Hm, that brings back memories.....

Day 27: Forest

Wandered around with the ranger, tried to keep him from killing Pippin, laughed when a gopher attacked him, laughed when he started foaming at the mouth.

Day 35: Weathertop

Strider left us on our own.....Yeah, that's a brilliant idea! I suppose we didn't help matters when we lit that campfire to make food. I think it was what attracted the Black Riders. Frodo was stabbed. Oh crap. If anyone asks I'll say it was Pippin's idea to start the campfire.

Day 40: Rivendell

Snuck to some council and agreed to help Frodo destroy the Ring. Oh crap! I just agreed to go on a suicide mission!

Day 46: Oh, a mountain

I'm freezing my ass off but does anyone care?! No! Why the hell did we appoint that wizard as a leader? Everyone knows that he belongs in the Grey Haven's Nursing Home! I tried to warn Pippin not to complain but he did anyway. He got himself whacked in the head, snow down his pants, and had himself practically thrown down the slope. 

Day 53: Outside the Mine

Pippin and I threw rocks into a nearby pool. I guess that's what alerted the Watcher. Everyone was pretty pissed at Pippin. Poor guy. I mean, some of it is probably my fault. I should stand up and take partial blame.....Naw, he lives to be the scapegoat.

Day 54: Moria

Attacked by hordes of orcs, a cave troll, and a Balrog. Oh, and Gandalf was pulled to his death. Yay! Finally, we are rid of that no good wizard! Uh oh. Does that mean Strider will be leader now? I don't know if I want a guy that's supposed to be a ranger yet has a dysfunctional relationship with nature as our guide.

Day 58: Lothlorien

This place is so dull. I was going to watch Boromir kill some songbirds but Pippin made me stay with him. Sheesh, all that hobbit wants to do is cuddle. What does he think I am? A squeeze toy? Got a belt from Galadriel. Wow, like I couldn't buy this on my own in the Shire. What a fantastic gift!

Day 59: River

Had the urge to sing "Row, row, row your boat" while we were going down the river. Got a cheap laugh when Boromir was knocked unconscious from a tree limb while watching Frodo. Why is everyone so obsessed with him? Just because he's cute and has the most sparkling blue eyes.....soft creamy skin.....silky, curly hair......Wh-What happened? I keep blanking out every time I look at him. Anyway, why can't someone be obsessed with me? I'm just as good as him!

Day 60: Amon Hen

Got separated from the others. Some orcs tried to kidnap us but Boromir came just in time. You know, it's times like these that make me grateful for such skilled warriors to be present during our.....Oh shit. He was just overrun with orc arrows. Sissy. Well, now Pippin and I are being carried off by orcs. Sounds like a fun trip.

Next: ? 


	10. Gollum

****

Warnings: Language.

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Gollum's Diary.

Day 1: Mordor/Barad-dur

Hisss. Wandered around in Mordor like an idiot. What were we thinking entering this land? Only a psychotic person would do something like that. We're not psychotic are we, Precious? *gollum* No, we're not psychotic Precious. We're very normal. A nice normal thing, Precious. Tortured at the hands of the orcs. Hiss. Felt good, Precious, but it got boring after a day so I just told them what they wanted to hear. Shire, Baggins. We hates the Baggins, yes Precious. Nasty, ugly hobbit stole my Precious. We'll get it back though. Yes, we will. We'll get the hobbit...and his little nephew too. Teach naughty hobbit a lesson. Yes, we will. Hisss. The orcs let me go. I don't know why......Hisss, oh my Precious, we needs more deodorant.

Day 2: Mordor

Wandered around Mordor again. Hisss. I can't finds my out! I left a trail of rocks but they were all gone! *gollum* Damn, nasty orcs will eat anything! Met a nice spider named Shelob today. Very large, slimy, cruel, ugly......she's beautiful, Precious. Very perfect for us. Yesss. I sang to her *gollum* but she just kicked me away. Precious. My heart hurts. Now that I think on it...all of me hurts.

Day 3: Somewhere

I hate having a split personality! I cannot believe I have turned into this monstrosity! I was handsome once. I attracted all the lasses, but now I just attract.....nothing. Not even the flies will buzz around my head.....they tend to die. This all that damn Ring's fault! I hate it! I hate it! I ha----Precious, Oh I am so sorry my Precious! Forgive our foolishness! I love you! I love you! I lo----Argh!! Why can't I be normal?! I try to turn back to my normal self and that hideous Gollum thing takes over. I swear if I turn one more time I will bash----*gollum* We hates the Baggins! He is the reason for our pain! Baggins will pay! We must make a note not to let Smeagol talk! He ruins the day! Always puts a damper on our day! *gollum*

Day 4: Somewhere

Hisss. Being stalked by elves...other things. Why can't they leave us alone, Precious? We hates them. Always picking on us because we're different. *gollum*

Day 5: Somewhere

I devised the perfect to do list. I think it will come right in handy when----Kill the Baggins, yes Precious. List will help us do that....yes....Grr, shut up Gollum! This is my list not yours! If you keep interrupting me I swear----You shut up, yes Precious. We're the dominant personality, not you Smeagol! We---Shut your hole Gollum! I deserve a little me time! I'm important too you know! I mean, damn it, I'm still a major personality here! Until you completely push me out you can keep quiet for five minutes! What do you say to that?........Good, you keep quiet....Now on with the list.....Wait a minute! I can't remember where I put the list! Now look what you made me do Gollum! Argh, you dumbass!

Day 6: Somewhere

Had to travel through the marsh today...Hisss. We hates it. Awful smell. Tasty looking bodies though. Smeagol wouldn't let me eat them, no Precious. Says we could get food poisoning.....You would get food poisoning Gollum! Actually, both of us would have gotten it if I hadn't stopped you! You should be thanking----Stupid Smeagol, yes Precious. Now we go hungry for another day! Hisss. Oh my Precious.

Day 9: Somewhere

Made it to a nice stream.....caught a nice juicy, tender fish. Yes, very good Precious. Ate it raw...nice tasty scales....nice organs....taste just like-----Crap! That's what it tastes like! You promised me an omelet Gollum! Where's my omelet?! I'm getting tired of fish! For over three hundred years we have been eating fish! I want something new damn it! I---We will get something new, yes. *gollum* We find nice crunchy bugs. Would you like that, Precious? Yes, nice bugs.....find stink bugs....those the best----No! I don't want bugs give me an omelet! I want to eat something that's preferably dead and cooked! I----Keep your mouth shut! Yes, Precious. We tears out our voice box if you speaking. Hisss. Don't thinks we won't do it!.....I'll be good.

Day 35: Somewhere in a mine

We made to a mine today. Yes, Precious. We have been in the nice dark for days. No food here, Precious. We----Would you stop complaining! It's getting on my nerves! For once can't-----Now you know how we feels. Yes. *gollum* Don't think we---Oh just shut up! Hey, wait a minute, I feel a presence. I recognize that....Oh shit not that blasted----My Precious! Oh my Precious! I can feel my Precious in this mine! We will track it down. Yes, get the Baggins. We makes him pay.

Day 36: Mine

We found the Precious! Nasty hobbit had it around his neck. Nasty, cute hobbit with his creamy skin and pretty blue eyes. We tried to take it but he bites our fingers....kinky hobbit......nice hobbit. We---You shouldn't have those thoughts Gollum! Ew, for the love of God stop thinking that! Oh, that image is going to be stuck in my mind forever. Why can't you fantasize about normal things?!----Be quiets or we tear out our fingernails! We fantasize about whoever we wants!

Day 38: Outside

I'm out in the wonderful sun today! Oh, how I love it so much! It's nice to be out in the sun. I wish it could be---We hates the sun! Cruel light hurts us, yes. Hurts our eyes and sensitive skin!----Well, didn't I tell you to use moisturizer and sun block? Do you listen to me? No! Now shut your pie hole! This entry is supposed to mine! I guess I have no choice but to trail after the Fellowship. If I don't then Gollum will mutilate one of our body parts. I truly hate that slimy son of a b----Hisss. You are us to you know. You are a part of Gollum. *gollum*----I thought I told you to be quiet! You're ruining my entry just like you ruined my life!----Hisss. You're the one that ruined our life! Yes, Precious.---Can you shut your fucking mouth for ten minutes?! All I ask is for ten minutes! Great, there went my entire entry...thanks a lot dumbass!

Day 40: By a river

We watch the hobbit leave with the others. Yes, Precious. We get a nice sturdy log to paddle on. We will catch the Precious and the little hobbit too. Yes, we will make use of both----Row, row, row your log gently down the stream!---What are you doing, Precious?! Hisss. My entry. ----Hey, you wrecked mine so I'm entitled to one of yours! Besides you need to take your mind off that Ring and that hobbit. I thought I told you to stop fantasizing! You should watch out for the tree limbs dumbass!!---Hisss. Keep ugly mouth shut! This is our entry, Precious......Ouch, our heads! Precious!---What did I tell you? Ow. Nice going pond scum for brains!----Precious, oh my Precious! We wants one entry without nasty Smeagol interrupting us!----Too bad! It's my entry now! La, la, la, la, la....Hey, give me back control of our hand!---No, Precious! We writes not you! We must find the hobbit. Nice, pretty hobbit.----What did I tell you?! Do you ever listen?!

Day 41: Riverbank

We lost the hobbit. Such a nice hobbit. We can't finds him, Precious. *gollum* We can smell the orcs about. Nasty orcs. We hates them. People sleeping now. Very tempted to steal the Ring---Oh, no. Don't even think about it Gollum! That would be a very bad id----Yes, Precious. We mustn't rush or we could gets caught. No, we waits for when pretty little hobbit is alone. Then we takes the Precious back!----Just promise me that's all you do, ok? Just get the Ring and kill him, ok? Nothing else, right?----We see. Precious. It depends upon the mood.....*gollum*---You are one sick mother----Keep quiet or we pulls out our wisdom teeth!---Good, you do that! Those blasted things have been bugging me for over three hundred years!---Shut up! Precious, oh my Precious. If you could only see what we puts up with! *gollum*--Why do you write 'gollum'? You do know that this paper and that you're not actually talking...Ow, ow! Ok, I'll keep quiet just leave the teeth alone!

Day 42: Amon Hen

Saw the nice hobbit alone. Sitting all by himself, Precious. Yes, we gets the Precious back. Yes, and play a little----Gollum! Just get the Ring!----Shut up! Hisss! You ruin concentration!----Then just focus on the Ring dumbass and not the hobbit!---Hisss! Be still! Now we can't get the Precious! Big, ugly man getting freaky with the hobbit! Hisss. Man seems to like the hobbit. We can'ts have that. Good, yes Precious. Hobbit punch the man off. Yes. Now we goes after the hobbit. Nice, hobbit. Pretty hobbit with his---Gollum you moron! He's going across a river! Dumbass! You've been sitting here fantasizing again for twenty minutes! Get a move on you won't be able to catch him!---We gets him, yes Precious. Don't worry Precious we gets him. We will wade in cold, stinging water to get you Precious. We are coming.----I know I'm asking a lot here but could you drown yourself? You know, put us both out of misery. Please?----Silence or we eat the diary. Yes, Precious. *gollum* Tasty paper....

Next: ?


	11. Lurtz

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Lurtz's Diary

Day 1: Orthanc

I was born today. It was wet and cold and scary....I needed a hug. Naturally, I grabbed the closet thing next to me, an orc, and you know what happens? It dies. Typical, weak orc. I didn't squeeze the damn thing that hard. Humph. Now I have to find a substitute. Hey, maybe that guy with the white beard could be my hug buddy. He doesn't look too happy. Maybe he needs a nice, friendly hug to brighten his day.

Current Mood: Feeling Small and Feeble

Day 2: Orthanc

Argh. I am never hugging that white bearded guy again! I barely touched him and he threw a fit. Ok, so I was still a bit slimy....and had a minor drooling problem...Well, who wouldn't want to hug me? Am I not the definition of cute? Well, you know, for a Urak-hai.

Current Mood: Annoyed

Day 3: Orthanc

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero

Well, I was ordered by Saruman to take a large troop, lead them to intercept some sort of fellowship group, and kidnap the halflings and keep them safe from harm. Apparently, they carry something of great worth. He also said to bring them back unspoiled. Now, how am I supposed to keep them unspoiled when I have no idea what the hell that means? Well, when I get the time I'll have to look it up in a book. Wait, I can't read. Damn it. Why was I born with such a small brain? Oh, wait, it doesn't matter any way. A group of Urak-hai broke into his library and ate all the books or ripped out the pages and used them for.....er....um.....outdoor duties if you get what I mean. Saruman caught them. Needless to say, I'll need a new troop. I would be hard to lead around bloodied heaps of bodies. I'm excited about the journey though. I get to kill innocent men or anything else I find along the way. What fun.

Current Mood: Overjoyed

Day 4: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero. 

Ran around the woods in complete circles. Saruman was always complaining about how we didn't have any brains. Well, why the hell didn't he build us with some?! Having a thinking capacity of an eight-year-old really isn't helping me out much here. When do I get to kill something? I need the smell of fresh blood and preferably not that stinky orc blood. Oh, I think I hear something rustling in the bushes. Goody. Now I can test out my bow along with my oversized arrows or maybe I'll just tear the person to shreds. That's always fun.

Current Mood: Mildly Happy

Day 4: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: One. 

Damn. It only turned out to be a lost peasant woman. She was quite pretty, for a disgusting human mind you, and I felt somewhat sorry for her so I offered to give her directions. Wink, wink. I gladly directed her over a cliff. I had to throw rocks at her though. The woman was actually able to grab onto a root over the ledge. I would have used my bow on her but I thought I should save the arrows for something a little more important. Eventually, I hit her where it counts and she tumbled to her death. What aren't women attracted to me anyway? I mean, I have everything they could want. I'm tall, dark, and hand.....Well, I'm tall and dark aren't I? Let's not forget about my spiffy muscles. I suppose my face could use a little work along with the overbite and the excess drool. Man, I really need to learn to control that. People are going to automatically assume that I'm just some big, ugly, dimwitted orc that slobbers over everything. At least it keeps my lower chin clean. Saruman promised to give me a face-lift once I brought back the halflings. Oh crap. I forgot to ask what a halfling is. What the hell is a halfling? Some kind of rodent? Oh well. I'll probably know it when I see it.

Current Mood: Happy Happy

Day 6: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero

Still wandered around. Passed the same tree twenty times now. Still haven't killed anything. Ugh, I'm so hungry. Where the hell is all the wildlife? Damn it. It must be my repulsive smell. How could I smell so bad? I bathe in mud three times a day. Well, at least I think it's mud. Oh well. Maybe these strange looking mushrooms are edible. I think I'll let some of the others test them out first. 

Well, an hour has passed and I have come to the conclusion that the mushrooms are not edible. One of the uraks climbed up a tree and proclaimed that he was a dainty humming bird flying off to collect nectar. Then, he jumped to his untimely death. His head hit a rock, very messy. I'm not going to get into details about what the others were doing. Let's just say, I found a nice little cave to hide in for two minutes.

Current Mood: Very Disturbed and Frightened

Day 8: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero. Damn it. Where are those hobbits when you need them? Boy I can't wait to get my hands on those four. I'll give them something worth screaming for.....Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to hurt them.....I think? Wandered around the woods with my troops. I think I've seen that rock before but I could be wrong.

Current Mood: Feeling Lost

Day 10: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero (Orcs don't count)

Ugh, one of the uraks was going through a mid-life crisis. I came up with the most brilliant solution: my sword in his gut. Ha ha ha. Am I a genius or what? Wait, no I'm not! Ugh, I'm such an idiot! I needed that moron for battle! I could have used him as shield! Damn it! Now, I'll just have to use a regular steel one. Grr. A urak would have been much better.

Current Mood: Angry

Day 11: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero

Ugh, what a wretched day. The only highlight of it was one I came across a cute, fluffy bunny rabbit. Let's just say when I got done with it wasn't cute or fluffy anymore. On a different note, we're lost again but what else is new? We've passed the same chasm three times. I'm part elf, aren't I? Where the hell is my sense of direction? It doesn't help when your troops are a bunch of blubbering idiots. All they do is sit around a campfire and bitch about how life sucks and how they shouldn't be forced into slave labor. If I hear one more complaint about not getting laid I swear I'm going to freak out on the nearest orc. Besides most of them got laid by the mushroom incident four days ago.

Current Mood: About to Have a Nervous Breakdown

Day 15: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero

Now we're getting somewhere. The troops and I have finally made it to some sort of river and have been following it for some time. I'm sure we'll come across the group of men, or whatever it's supposed to be, and finally complete this bogus mission. I've earned my face-lift. Hm, I can sense something ahead. Oh, I know what it is. It's that blasted elf Saruman warned me about. I bet he's strutting around the forest savoring his good looks. Oh, if I ever get my hands on him I'll maul his face so bad that he'll never be able to stand looking at himself again. Ha ha ha. What fun that will be. Hey, I need something to take my rage and woes out on. I've been pushing all down inside and I feel as if I'll explode any minute. He makes the perfect scapegoat. Now, was I supposed to harm the hobbits or not harm the hobbits? Damn it I can't remember! Oh well. Just to be safe I think I'll let the troops torture them. Of course I'll have to keep an eye out so they don't kill them. If Saruman gets pissed I'll say the troops did it all behind my back. He can't punish me then. Am I a genius or what?

Current Mood: Slap Happy 

Day 16: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed by me: Zero (The number is about to go up)

Oh, we've come across the camp of the Fellowship. I'm so happy right now. Of course my troop is anxious to start battle but I've managed to force them to wait. After all, it'll be much easier to take them out once they spilt up. Divide and conquer as they say. I think I know what a halfling is now or least I think I've seen one, well four of them. I must say, they're kind of cute. Especially that dark haired one that keeps fiddling with the chain around his neck. I have the urge to walk down there and give him a nice, big hug. It looks as if he could use one. Oh well, I can't do that now or in front of my troops. What they think of me? Once we've captured them I'll do it to him in private and if he says anything no one will believe him. He's so adorable. Those big blue eyes; that soft, creamy skin; the silky curls......I can't wait to get my hands on him. Maybe once Saruman gets what he wants from them he'll let me keep the dark haired one as a pet. I could walk him around with a collar and leash, and I'd take such good care of him. I'll feed him, brush him, clean up after him, and even bathe him. Well, now I'm just rambling and jumping ahead. Oh, the hobbit is wandering off with a man slowly trailing behind. Hm, I suppose this would be the time to strike......

Current Mood: Giddy

Day 16: Woods

Innocent creatures/men tortured, defiled, and killed my me: One

Oh yeah. I killed my first man today. I found him trying to protect two of the halflings but the one I wanted wasn't one of them. Damn it. I suppose I could get him later. Anyway, this guy was so easy to kill. My troops surrounded him and swarmed him while I came up the rear. I stayed in the back and used him as target practice. He was so overrun with uraks he wasn't able to stop me. Ha ha ha. I was able to shoot him the chest but he still managed to get up and fight. Bastard. I shot him again and he still did the same thing. What does it take to kill this guy?! There's no way a man could stay standing with those huge honkers of arrows imbedded in his flesh. Well, third time was the charm I guess. He finally fell with the third arrow but he was still alive! Argh! I don't need this type of crap. At least the look on his face as his halfling friends as they were carried away made it worth while. It was so cute. The two of them were reaching out to him and crying. What pathetic creatures. Maybe I'll give them a hug later. They look like they could use one. Now I'm getting off track again. Anyway, I walked over to this guy and pointed my arrow right in front of him. The face he made almost caused me to laugh. So pitiful. I'm noticing a lot of that in this group. I was about impale his eye with it when this other man came out of nowhere and knocked the bow out of my hand. The nerve of that moron! Who the hell does he think he is?! We started ducking it out with some swords. I managed to hit him in the face and give him a bloody nose and lip. He managed to chop my arm off. Ouch. He then rammed the sword in my gut. Double owie. He then chopped my head off. Son of a bitch. Now I'm in some sort of fiery place. I didn't get my halfling and I didn't get to mess up pretty boy's face. Hell if I know where I am. It's somewhat odd. There little creatures in red jumpsuits holding pitchforks and they're all looking at me, they're smiling at me.....this can't be good. Someone is going to end up paying for this. Hey, is that guy I just filled with arrows over there? 

Current Mood: Murderous Rage


End file.
